Cross-Cultural Romance

About three years ago, Jeremy, my brother, got into a relationship with a Caucasian Australian, Louise. Six months into the relationship, they became set on marriage – and a natural step was to get to know the in-laws.

Jeremy was quickly received and approved of by Louise's parents. However, Louise’s introduction and, subsequent relationship, with my mother were anything but smooth.

The face to face interaction between the two started very cordially. However, over time, we noticed a tenseness between the two – the smiles seemed forced, especially when in contrast with their cold eyes. Furthermore, they would individually reflect on how they felt unsure of each other to either Jeremy or to us (his siblings).

These little of ‘information’ usually left me feeling very annoyed and drained – why couldn’t they simply talk things out?! I felt like I was in the midst of a spite-war.

A fight never broke out between the two. However, my brother did snap under the pressure of mediating, as well as conveying messages, between the two. This happened when my mother delivered an ultimatum to him: “Break up with Louise, or else she will destroy this family!” 

He got so upset that he began shouting hysterically and actually smashed a chair on the ground in full view of my parents. When I found out, I was frankly more angered at my mother’s words and attitude, than at my brother’s!

My mother was brought up to place ultimate value on the family. Everything that threatened the family’s solidarity had to go. Furthermore, she also believed that the would-be daughter-in-law had to ‘prove herself’ before being accepted. Lastly, it was only right that the daughter-in-law should bring up issues to the husband's mother, and not the other way around.

Louise, on the other hand, came from a more liberal background. She addressed her parents by their names, and was not raised in a home with a lot of familial obligations and expectations. Her parents were as willing, and prone, to initiate apologies and discussions over issues.

My brother too had his own culture – a mix of the two. He valued family, and thus desired my parents’ blessing. However, he also carried a measure of individualism; he would not dismiss his relationship with Louise so simply. I feel my sister and I would probably fall into this category as well.

Thus, it is actually not too hard to see how this got this complicated. My family environment was one with more interactional rules as compared to Louise’s. Furthermore, these rules were hardly explicit. Thus Louise understandably needed time, and an understanding environment, to adapt.

Both women also had incompatible expectations and assumptions of each other. Louise wanted to ‘just be herself’, while my mother was expecting her to fit a certain mold. Louise and my mother both expected each other to initiate reconciliation, as both felt that for them to do it themselves would be just 'wrong'.

Lastly, in playing mediator, my brother further encouraged them to conceive each other from their cultured perspectives. Eventually, both cultures threatened to tear him apart. Perhaps my sister and I could have also been more assertive in enlightening both on the fact that they were tremendously misunderstanding each other.

These were some conclusions that my family (including Louise) drew through discussion.
What could have been other reasons for this tension between the two?

Louise has reconciled with my mother, and the marriage happened.
This awesome fellow joined the party a year later!
(Also, Louise and Jeremy are fake names)